One can only imagine how Britt McHenry’s phone call back to her bosses at ESPN in Bristol, Conn. went (if she summoned the courage to even make it) after she blew her own gasket picking up her car from a parking lot.
Since there’s no video of that conversation, let’s get creative:
Britt: Hello? Bristol? We have a problem.
ESPN: Yeah, no kidding! You’re all over BuzzFeed, TMZ; social media is roasting you alive. What the heck got into you, Britt?
Britt: I’m sorry! Just tell me what I can do to make this go away.
ESPN: Go away? Your potty mouth alter ego is going to live on the web for all eternity. This isn’t going away. What I don’t understand is this, Britt. You KNEW there was a camera filming you. It wasn’t like seeing this footage is some big surprise. You have only yourself to blame for this, so if and when we decide to have you make a public apology, there’s no way in Hell you’re going to insinuate that the clerk somehow provoked you. That is NOT happening.
Britt: Can we hire Olivia Pope to straighten out this mess?
ESPN: I doubt it Britt, since she’s a fictional character. We’re dealing
with real life here. We’re dealing with a woman whom the average American
can totally identify with because they have obnoxious hostile people like
you pulling stunts like this every day. That’s why this hits such a
sensitive nerve. And not just that, but the breadth of your nastiness was
staggering. You criticized her weight, her appearance, her education, her
job. You came across as an elitist, bitch prima donna, the kind of
customer who ruins people’s day.
Britt: So should I do the apology over social media, should I orchestrate
a news conference type setting? That’s what Tiger Woods did.
ESPN: Britt, I’m not sure you’ve been listening to what I’m telling you.
The braintrust here is not sure you can recover from this. If you weren’t
a TV personality and had just some regular corporate job, HR would be
sending security guards with you back to your office to pack your boxes.
There’s no justification for the ugliness of your behavior.
Britt: That’s it! “Ugly.” I’ll describe my conduct saying it was ugly. You know, because I’m sure people resent me because I’m so pretty, that will be like one of those acts of self deprecation.
ESPN: Britt, the entire country has seen this. Don’t you realize that
every time you pop on the screen from now on viewers out of disgust are
likely to flip over to Fox Sports Net?
Britt: What if we did a job swap? You know, have that woman whom I did
everything in my power to humiliate, take my job and for six weeks, and
I’ll work the attendant booth at that lot. It would be a way for me to
pay a penalty and it would be a great publicity stunt for the network!
ESPN: We refuse to be a party to some insincere gimmick like that. I just
don’t get it! Before this happened, your Q rating was through the roof.
That’s a main reason why we hired you. Now, with one disgusting temper
tantrum, you’ve turned likability into loathsomeness.
Britt: I know this is bad. I know it reflects terribly on the network and
that I am now the object of nationwide scorn. So I suppose I have to pay
the ultimate price, don’t I?
ESPN: I’m afraid you do, Britt. You are hereby suspended for one week.
I’ll see you next Friday.
Britt (crying): That’s the last time I park my car there!
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